The way
(model for relationships and partnership)

Oh, that would be nice – it would be the end of all longing.

But even the words are divisive.
What is love? What is freedom?
Where does one begin and where does the other end?

We can look at love and freedom from different angles: selfishly, strictly morally or from a libertarian perspective. Let us look at love from a state of scarcity or abundance – or as if we were looking out of a window into the security of our home or out of it into the vastness of the world.

However, one thing is certain: the perspective from which we look at these seemingly simple terms is shaped by our biography and culture. And since everyone has grown up and developed differently, a common understanding will only ever be an approximation.

Recognizing how different our worlds are and the nature of each individual’s universe is the journey of every relationship

Every interpersonal encounter can help us to recognize our own history in the mirror of other people. However, this is also where conflicts begin. Because what is right and natural for one person can seem strange or threatening to another. To prevent such differences from escalating, most of us look for an ultimate truth: be it in our cultural environment, from friends, in what appears to be normal and customary, or in various guidebooks. Both of us may even decide to undergo couples therapy in the hope that there is a higher authority that knows the “right” way and can bring the other to “insight”.

But that doesn’t work because, after all, there is no truth that is valid forever and for everyone.

Even if we long for security and structure; since love is the child of freedom, it will wither in a dictatorship of rules, no matter how small.

But a world without any rules doesn’t work – everyone would do what they want!

That is correct. Respect, mindfulness and a willingness to compromise are therefore essential.

Respect means respecting other people’s view of the world, even if I do not share it or even vehemently reject it. What we call values have been shaped by conditioning and life stories. What is appropriate for one person may be completely inappropriate for another.
We should never forget that the roads to hell are paved with good intentions.

Mindfulness means being considerate of the possible interpretation of my actions by the other person: What is natural for me can mean assault or even cruelty for someone else. However, mindfulness does not mean that I withdraw and betray myself, but that I always “see” the other person in our interaction.

Compromises do not mean rigid rules, but temporary agreements that enable several people to live together. They should be honest, expressed and not arise out of fear or pity

There is no generic model or universal rules for relationships, because the world is diverse and everyone’s perception is different. Couples and relationship counselors are also not experts or judges.

What does exist, however, is a model that guides us through the many possible pitfalls, misunderstandings and magical moments on the path to self-knowledge and personal maturity.

It is a rough guide to the labyrinth of relationships. It is not a map, but rather an assessment of where we are with pointers to the new perspectives and challenges that await us.

People are looking for a mirror or, like most people, you simply don’t want to be alone.

You meet a person with whom you want to embark on a journey and it seems that this person has everything your heart desires.

It magically attracts you.

You decide to open up further and embark on your first big journey. Or you hesitate: is it really him, is it really her? Do you want to set off together or is something better waiting around the corner?

And what about the first compromises?
Do you both have similar ideas about a relationship – fidelity, children, career?

You’re on the road and everyone has their own projects and responsibilities (children, career, personal development, etc.). Things are going really well at first – you seem like the perfect team, but very slowly the husband and wife get lost. You are just a team and you start to distance yourselves from each other.

You may find that you can talk to each other less and less and still not be without each other – the erotic attraction and the magic of the moment have disappeared.

You’ve fallen into a strange dependency, maybe one of you is already having an affair and thinking about breaking out.
But where to?

You start to take yourself more seriously than the relationship again and manage to leave the relationship bubble. Maybe you travel alone for a few days or go your separate ways.

This can be the beginning of the second great journey.
However, you can also remain fearful in the relationship and come to terms with the given circumstances and constraints and deny yourselves your love and truth.

If you have embarked on the second great journey, it is quite possible that you have been able to free yourselves from your usual relationship quagmire and look respectfully and benevolently into each other’s eyes like adventurers who have mastered a dangerous challenge.

Along the way, you will shed the familiar skin of your conditioning and question many supposed certainties.

Don’t expect any quick fixes during this stage of development, as it can be a long and sometimes painful process.

How should we recognize ourselves alone?

The ego needs a mirror and this mirror will always be a different one.

Through this mirror we learn to become a collective being – through reflection we become part of a community.

In the autistic phase, we have clear ego boundaries and largely feel like an autonomous individual. We are more important to ourselves than others.

Nevertheless, there can already be entanglements here: For example, we might have a kind of surrogate relationship with our parents and feel responsible for their well-being. It is also possible that we maintain longer, more or less platonic contacts with good opposite-sex “friends”. If this is the case, we should start thinking. We may not yet have a partnership, but should one develop, it will not be a relationship between two people, but we will bring in a third or fourth person. In many cases, this will become an unwanted guest in the long term, which could spark conflicts at a later date. It all depends on how transparent we are with these relationships.

Another possibility is not to regard the autistic phase and being alone as a temporary state, but to make it a dogma. A commitment that some call “free love”, but which at this stage is nothing more than fear of attachment and an escape from closeness – from the things that only unfold within a partnership.

We can also remain in the autistic phase for a very long time, as the saying goes: “So test those who commit themselves to something better”.

The autistic phase is often also a pause in the relationship after a break-up. A space for mourning, but also for personal growth with ourselves – a time of self-realization that we put aside in everyday relationship life.

In any case, this stage is dominated by the ego: it is at the center, it finds itself and it searches.
However, this search is not only an introspection, but is increasingly directed outwards as the autistic phase continues.

The ME is looking for a mirror.

Once we have spotted an object of desire, two programs run immediately.

The first is the biological or genetic program. At this very rudimentary level, every living being strives to reproduce. The fact that we still don’t mate with everyone is largely biologically determined. Nature uses imperceptible odorants, known as pheromones, taste and many other signals that are exchanged unconsciously to ensure that only the most compatible gene combinations attract each other.

The second level of partner selection, however, has nothing to do with such disillusioning things as smell and genetics. It is the level that we perceive as romantic. But as beautiful as romance is, it is a fallacy.

What we like to interpret as magical moments is often nothing more than a pattern of attachment driven by our biography – a repetition.

Some part of our highly complex personality is looking for a mirror and as soon as we think we have found it, we feel butterflies in our stomach.

The fact is that when we fall in love, we first fall in love with ourselves: with our current charisma and an upbeat, dreamy stroll with which we catch the eyes of passers-by and which makes us feel: The world is ours.

It all feels like magic and, in those moments, we really are the sole creators of our universe. Not because we’ve been struck by Cupid’s arrow or met a soulmate and are now riding the wave of never-ending happiness, but simply because we’re tipsy – because we’re on drugs.

But we didn’t grow them on the balcony or buy them from a dodgy street dealer – instead, they are a powerful mixture of substances that we produce ourselves: Oxytocin, dopamine, norepinephrine and others. Our blood is flooded with them. At the same time, our serotonin level drops, similar to people suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder.

It is so beautiful.

At the latest when the pressure of mating has fallen away from us, the magical sounds of the bush drum in the belly also fade away and give way to a focus that is increasingly related to the partner.

We no longer create the world from our magical love consciousness, it no longer obeys us, but our partner. And as always with the transition from the animistic-magical to the mythical, from now on we need a god outside of ourselves. A person to whom we can look up to and who from now on is largely responsible for the course of the world and our happiness.

While we still largely generate the feeling of being in love ourselves, in this phase we become more and more dependent on our partner. We no longer generate our feelings of happiness, we are no longer the magicians and creators of our universe, but this role is continually shifting to the other person. We increasingly make their charm, the way they look at and touch us, responsible for our well-being.

It is no longer us but our partner who determines how the stars of fate shine and suddenly we find ourselves in the beginnings of a web of dependency. This is not unpleasant at first, because our partner is still trying to read our every wish from our eyes. And yet the dependency begins to grow.

As long as we are busy with joint projects such as children, house, career, etc., this dependency will not necessarily interfere. We function as a team. Intimacy will continue to decrease, but this is also convenient for many – after all, it was often a matter of stress and pressure to perform.

The lines of conflict now run between:

• Wanting to own and the fear of being alone again.
• A longing for security but also a longing for freedom.
• Insisting on your own positions and wanting to be right – there has to be a right and wrong.
• Abundance and scarcity – both emotionally and materially.
• Demands on the partner and refusal of the partner to fulfill these demands.

All of these conflicts are most likely to be sparked by small things at first, but over time they take on a relationship-defining dimension. It can feel like a matter of life and death.

Both seem lost, love and freedom, and yet often neither can let go of the other. What often remains is the hope of a saving affair and increasing dissatisfaction.
We are at a fork in the road on our partnership journey.

One path leads towards a hostile and dependent relationship – because increasingly often one person refuses to fulfill the needs and wishes of the other.

The other way leads to a fused, cozy partnership in which we are more like husband and wife.

Many couples in this situation are unable to make a clear decision one way or the other, but oscillate between arguments, reconciliation and despair. They are frightened of themselves and desperately seek harmony.

But the “next time” is sure to come, because there will be a weekend or a vacation.
Conflicts cannot be swept under the carpet. In most cases, it will become more violent and hurtful each time.

In desperate moments, we think that everything has been lost in the partnership: we feel neither loved nor capable of love, our partner no longer sees us and almost everything is getting out of hand.
What most people overlook, however, is that we have lost neither our partner nor the partnership, but ourselves.

In our efforts to find a partner, we have given up many parts of ourselves, that which really defines us, in the previous phases. We sacrificed it for our partner, for the family, for the future, for our image of a harmonious life together. Now many people will say that I was happy to do that and that you have to compromise in order to be happy. All true, but this image – this exact idea of what a harmoniously happy family is – does it really come from ourselves?

Our perceptions and ideas come from our past. Perhaps we want our children to be better off than we were. Maybe we want to avoid divorce at all costs because we are children of divorce ourselves. Maybe we have never known anything else.

The first challenge we face is to find out where we got our ideas and perceptions about relationships from, and then to explore who drew our maps and calibrated and labeled our compass?

The second task is to check whether our maps and instruments are suitable for guiding us out of the jungle or whether they are actually leading us further and further astray. This is a challenging process, as it means finding out what our very own truth is – regardless of parents, parents-in-law, magazines and glossy magazines.

These are questions that we can often only approach for a lifetime without getting comprehensive answers: Who am I? What makes me lovable? What is the meaning of it all?

But it’s not really about answers, it’s about a development from a dependent partnership to ourselves.

It is about rediscovering the lost feelings and the lost love within ourselves.

Because we can only give away what is within us.

It is easier to leave yourself than to find yourself: Finding yourself” is an individual development process – a path you walk alone – like birth and death.

New partners or ex-partners can listen sympathetically, they can give impulses, but they cannot help.

Those who embark on this journey separate themselves – not from their partner, but from their ideas, their judgments, their illusions and their desires.

This separation is more challenging than that of a person. It is neither a break-up nor a divorce – rather, no stone is left unturned.

All habits and supposed certainties are questioned and the pathogenic, hurtful and paralyzing aspects are cut off.

Breaking up means letting go, not of affection or goodwill, but of the idea of an everlasting oneness. And even if the partnership has already become uncomfortable, many people want to remain in the toxic atmosphere of being right, supposed security and demands.

It hurts too much to recognize that the expectations and illusions from the beginning of the relationship will never be fulfilled.

A separation is therefore unavoidable, because it must be recognized that there are only points of contact but no permanent all-oneness with the partner. That there are no universal values and permanent consensus or harmony, but only an honest and open exchange.

With children and other joint commitments, it is important to practise mindfulness and develop respect for your partner’s differences during this phase. It is important to learn that there is always more than one way and not just one right path.

Above all, learning means getting to know yourself and reflecting on your own shortcomings.
This includes recognizing that your own biography determines your life and that a partnership can only be a supplement to everyday challenges.

It means accepting that every relationship is a gift, without a right to receive or possess anything, and that there are no guarantees or assurances in love.

Everyone is responsible for the balance of their life – without any ifs or buts. Love, compassion and kindness are gifts and part of growing up is getting out of a demanding victim mentality, putting aside defense mechanisms and naming your fears.

In the end, I realize that no one but me is responsible for my life and my feelings.
It’s a big challenge and often a balancing act to take care of yourself first and foremost without losing sight of others.

Have we mastered the turbulence of the second great journey and have we, at least in part, arrived with ourselves and are well on the way to growing up?

We should have learned to consider ourselves more important than others without being inconsiderate and selfish. We should also have realized that many of our ideas and perceptions have less to do with ourselves than we think.

We have grown and matured and have acquired one or two scars in the process. But what is even more important is that we can show our scars to each other without shame and blame and without the hope that your partner will perform cosmetic surgery on them.

The eternal smile will have disappeared from many faces and what is commonly called charisma will begin to develop. It is a connection with oneself, with one’s wounds and pain, with one’s joy and pleasure, which one sees in people at this stage.

The poet Khalil Gibran said about it: “Facial features that reveal the secrets of our soul lend a face beauty and grace, even if these soul secrets are painful and sorrowful. Faces, on the other hand, which – like masks – conceal what is going on inside, lack any beauty, even if their external forms are perfectly symmetrical and harmonious. “⁴

The second spring is like a rekindling of a love that has already been written off. However, this rekindling has nothing in common with falling in love at the beginning of the journey.

The autistic phase is characterized by the search for a partner who fulfills as many needs as possible, for whose self-sufficiency we do not want to take responsibility.

In the second spring, on the other hand, we look at our partner with respect: we see them as the one who has borne and endured our separation and fledging. We look at a person who stayed with us even though there were many things that spoke against it – we look at a person who truly deserves our respect and our gifts.

Does that mean staying in a partnership with your current partner and moving on?

Not necessarily, because we may have met other people on our way to finding ourselves. However, we will most likely look upon the partner who accompanied and supported us on this path with respect and goodwill, regardless of any previous disputes.

Love is a child of freedom – we don’t know where it will lead.

Love is a gift and I give it regardless of whether it is accepted.

Respect is a gift and I give it to every being.

Tolerance is a gift and I know that there are many other worlds besides my little world – I know that there is no right or wrong.

Mindfulness is a gift, because I know from my own experience how vulnerable people are.

All gifts are an expression of my inner freedom and my deep understanding of the diversity of life.

This model is derived from Melanie Klein’s psychoanalytical object relations theory. Margaret Mahler confirmed it through many empirical studies in the 1970s. A direct application of Margaret Mahler’s developmental model of children to partnerships was first described in 1988 by the American therapists Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson in their book “In Quest of the Mythical Mate“. In the same year, the American psychotherapist and Sufi A. Hameed Ali published his book “The Pearl Beyond Price” under the pseudonym A. H. Almaas, in which he applies the object relationship theory to the various steps of spiritual growth.

We have dusted off the basics of the models and further developed and adapted them with our observations from couples counseling.

In sessions we combine this model with a systemic view (Virginia Satir), with elements from transactional analysis (Eric Berne) and Gestalt therapy (Fritz Perls), as well as with work on the inner child (John Bradshaw), de-hypnosis (Stephen Wolinsky) and trauma therapy.

In addition, there are the experiences of many other therapeutic and spiritual directions that we have been able to gather on our journey; and our own personal path.